Sunday, April 18, 2010


I am a giant wussface.

A coward. A tiny baby girl. Anything that denotes the fact that I completely, utterly have no backbone.

This is one of the facets of my personality I really have a problem with. Everyday I tell myself to be brave. I try to face the world with confidence, with the strength I wish I had. And everyday my fears hit me in the face, and all I want to do is run and curl up under the covers, pretending the world doesn't exist. Or go high in the mountains, where it is just me and the Lord and no one else, so I can finally be at peace.

My list of regrets is growing longer.

I wish I could confront people without being emotionally invested. I wish I wasn't afraid of failure. I wish I was more spontaneous, that I could be alright dropping obligations and running away. I wish I was more capable. I wish I could be that person that is always supportive, that can listen and empathize and be there. I wish I relied on people. I wish I was more trusting. I wish I could be that person who does what they want when they want. I wish I didn't overthink things.

But what's the point of wishing? Things are past or out of my reach. Or are they? Is there still that hope that I can turn my insecurities around and someday live with no remorse?

I think that's all we want. To be satisfied with life. To eliminate the many, various obstacles we create. To face this world entirely unafraid.


Ashley said...

From experience, willingness to give up obligations isn't really a greaaat trait. Also, I think you're pretty good at telling people what's what! You kick me out of your apartment all the time!

Paige said...

I think this has been brought on by your music rut. I will make a few suggestions: Mumford & Sons--so good they're indie gone mainstream. Broken Bell--I can forgive the Shins break up for this one. Eels--<3. The Ruby Suns. Also She & Him have released Volume 2. Jesca Hoop. Laura Marling I could go on and on. There's nothing like music to get you back on your game.

David's Holla Atchya! Blog said...

Yes, I don't think you are alone in most of those desires. Let me say this: Sometimes I feel really down on myself, and then sometimes I feel really good about myself. Profound? No. But, I think you are in the down stage. Something great is bound to happen that will put you in an incredible stage. I think you're pretty awesome just the way you are.