The worst of it happened right before church, and I felt so bad for the Primary class I teach. I wonder if those five-year-old boys noticed their teacher staring out the window in a catatonic state. I can imagine it now: "Hey, Sister McCarrey, are you going to teach us about not taking the name of the Lord in vain?" "There is no hope or justice in this world, little ones. Only darkness and loneliness forever. So give up now, because nothing good will ever happen to you, and the more you work for something the worse your life will be. Leave me to my solitude, small creatures."
But in all honesty, I hit a wall yesterday. I've basically decided where I want to end up, and what I want to be doing, and how to get there. And now that I see a clearer picture of my future, a picture un-tinged by romanticized filters, I just want it NOW. Don't care how. Just now. Except that's impossible. The soonest I can get what I want is in a year. That makes the youngest child in me want to scream and kick my feet (acceptable behavior? I'm still weighing my options...).
But last night, after the weight of it all had dissolved into exhaustion and a tears-induced headache, I remembered something. I remembered David Byrne.
I have listened to this song an embarrassing amount of times since last night.
It struck something. This knot of frustration and anger that had been twisting inside of me just snapped. TWANG. Gone.
There's this moment, when Byrne is questioning different things, when he throws his fists in the air, shouting:
"You may ask yourself, am I right, am I wrong?
You may say to yourself, my god, what have I done?
Chills. It's as if my entire experience was wrapped up in twenty-one words. And suddenly, I was not alone. This experience was not unique. Logically, I knew that. I mean, it makes sense. Everyone has difficulties, everyone has doubts. People have done this before. And so will I. And I know that.
But it felt good to have Talking Heads remind me of that. It felt good to listen to David Byrne describing the slip underwater. Joining the current, not to drown but to enter the constant stream and flow of humanity. To know that this too will pass.
Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, into silent water
Under the rocks and stones, there is water underground
Letting the days go by, into silent water
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Time isn't holding us, time isn't after us
Time isn't holding us, time doesn't hold you back
Time isn't holding us, time isn't after us
Time isn't holding us...
Letting the days go by, letting the days go by, letting the days go by, once in a lifetime
Letting the days go by, letting the days go by, letting the days go by, once in a lifetime
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